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Wednesday, August 26, 2009

 

Mikalogue of horror



Mika: Never fear, is home! Look what we has here.

Kit: Oh man - Mika, is that a mouse?

Mika: Well done. Gold star for Kit. Now, watch closely.

Mouse: ...much posesed by def and see skul beneaf skin...

Mika: See? Hunts it. You have a go.

Kit: Gareth, we've got another mouse to help!

Mouse: ...there doth sol in holy vision sit, in pensiv trance, and anguish...

Mika: Hm, has stopped moving. Give it a prod, no?

Mouse: ...this sensibl warm motion to becom kneaded clod ... tis too horribl!

Mika: Aha, now it runs! Catch it!

Kit: Mika, leave it alone.

Mika: Gotcha! Go on, hunt it! Bad kitten.

Kit: That's 'Kit', Mika, not 'kitten.'

Mika: Less of cheek or cuff your ear. Pay attention to lesson.

Kit: Mika, are you trying to play mother cat and teach us to catch mice? It isn't going to work.

Gareth: Okay, I've got the catching glass and card. Same drill as before?

Mika: Look, will toss it in air to make more interesting!

Mouse: ...AT UNCERTAIN HOUR AGONY RETURNS...

Kit: Mika stop it, it's squeaking! You're hurting it!

Gareth: I'll just wait till she drops it and it freezes again ... Got it!

Mika: Huh?

Mouse: ...ston walls do not prison make...

Gareth: See, sweetheart? We've captured the mouse in this glass.

Mika: Hey, reality split. Where mousie go?

Gareth: It's right here in the glass, Mika. It's transluscent, look, you can see its shadow.

Mika: Must hunt again. World all of a puzzle.

Gareth: You really don't have much object permanence, do you?

Mika: Mousie? Oh mouuusieee...?

Gareth: I'll just go release you into the garden, littlun.

Mouse: ...canot see what flowrs are at me feet...

Gareth: I'll let you out at the end of it, okay?

Mika: Mousie? Where you go?

Gareth: There you go, little buddy. Stay out of the house, eh?

Mouse: ...an wildernes is paradise enow!

Gareth: That's right. First chill, then stupor, then the letting go.

Kit: I don't think Mika's going to chill for quite some time.

Mika: Mousie?



(The management acknowledges that the photograph is not of Mika catching a mouse. Generally such occasions are too fraught to have time for photography. We have therefore included a picture from Mika's kittenhood on the grounds that it is cute. We also would request readers to picture the mouse's dialogue in smaller font; unfortunately when we tried this the entire post appeared in text too microscopic to read. Blogger has its moods.)

Comments:
Oh Mika, you're doing it all wrong. My cat Fergus says to tell you that the mouse/bat/rat/rabbit should always be very dead before you present it to the humans. If you can also behead or disembowel it, that's a bonus, but not necessary. Fergus also suggests you try hiding the gift under a bed or in a shoe, as the opportunity presents itself.
 
Mika: Tell Fergus Mika does everything right. Fft.
 
Oh, the wee bit mousikie!

The "catching glass," eh? You have a glass kept on hand, dedicated to the purpose? Because, once a glass has had a mouse inside it, you could never actually drink anything from it ever again, even if it had been sterilized in Mt. Doom, never mind the dishwasher? No matter what any persons, who apparently have no sense of disgust, will try to tell you.

Ahem. Not entirely coincidentally, my cat Boyne notes that mice are indeed very good fun, but the toads who sneak into the basement aren't worth the trouble of chasing and may be left for the humans.
 
We don't have an official catching glass, in fact, we just grab whatever's handy and then dishwash it. It is an elected position rather than a permanent title. But that would have been less amusingly succinct.
 
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