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Tuesday, September 16, 2008


An epic Mikalogue


Kit: (Yawn.) Is that the post, Mika dear?

Mika: Oh dear ... oh dear...


Kit: The postman doesn't drop parcels twice, does he?


Kit: Hang on, what's going on?

Mika: Is gonna get in trouble noww...


Kit: It's coming from the kitchen - Oi! You!

The Tub: Gotta get owwt! Give me liberty or give me - ohno ohno is big human -

Kit: You're that neighbourhood cat who keeps breaking in and stealing our Mika's food, aren't you? The one Gareth calls The Tub because you're so much bigger than Mika?

The Tub: Zounds! Open up, cat door!


Kit: You've got a problem, matey. We set the door to entrance-only last night so Mika could let herself in. It won't open unless I unlock it.

The Tub: Ohno ohno human coming down the stairs! Could this be the end for our hero?

Kit: Hero my eye. I've seen you pushing our little Mika around, you big thug.

Mika: Is big bully cat in kitchen! Mika wants out but is big scary cat to pick on her in the way! Is you mad at Mika for lettin trespasser in?

Kit: No, baby. You can't help it, he's bigger than you. Look at you, your poor tail's bristled up like a fox's. Now what are we going to do about you, my fine fellow? Shall I throw some water at you to deter you from coming in here again?

The Tub: Ohno ohno ohno -

Kit's Conscience: (He's just a cat. You can't be cruel to him. I'm sure his owners love him.)

Kit: Okay. Hey Gareth, wake up! Look who's locked himself in!

Gareth: Is he going to pee on stuff?

Kit: Oh, I hope not. Mika, do you think you might assert yourself while he's in your territory, you know, make him less likely to pick on you later?

Mika: Is big, big cat and Mika scared...

Kit: Tub-thumping time?

Mika: Oh dear, Mika's happy place is full of crisis!

Kit: Okay, I guess we'd better let the bugger out. Come on, Tub, I'm going to unlock the - hey!

The Tub: Agh! Human approach! Our hero makes a bold dash and streaks past the terrifying giant!

Mika: Punch you as you go by! ... Not very hard, though. Sigh.

Kit: He's gone up the stairs!

The Tub: In unfamiliar territory, our hero searches for some means to conceal himself from the enemy...

Gareth: You unlock the door and I'll find him.

Kit: Okay, done. Can you see him?

The Tub: Confined in desperate circumstances, our hero waits. Will death pass him by?

Gareth: He might be under the bed. I'll try pulling out the drawers.

Kit: I'll come give you a hand -

The Tub: Ohshit! Must flee!

Gareth: There he goes!

Kit: Right, let's just check he -


Kit: That was the sound of the cat door, right? Yes, there he is in the garden. You! Piss off out of our garden and leave Mika alone!

The Tub: A murrain upon these treacherous doors. Our hero must return cautiously home to get love and reassurance because he really needs a cuddle right now.

Mika: Is he gone? Is he hidin upstairs? Will Mika ever be safe again?

Kit: Let's go back to bed, honey. You come with us and get some love.

Mika: And fites your feet!

Kit: Ow! Sweetie, I know you've got a lot of nervous energy right now...

Mika: Mika is conqueror of curtains and fites your feet! Rules this domain, you hear, cruel world?

Kit: Tonight, I think we'll check the door before going to bed...

A word from our sponsors: Kit's Conscience would like to apologise to the owners of 'The Tub' for giving him such an undignified nickname. He kept pestering Mika to the point where we needed a name for him, and given that he was similar-coloured to her but much sturdier, 'The Tub' just sort of stuck; we were mad at him for hassling her, so it was an uncharitable nickname, but he's probably a nice cat really. I'm sure you call him Aristophanes or Michael or Fluffypet or something more suitable. Now Mika's pretty much full grown, honest comparisons force the admission that he's not that enormous as cats go.

I conjecture that "The Tub's" variable speech register indicates his veering between raw panic and his native pomposity?

Our cat used to be small too. Then we cat sat Guide the Killer Pimp for a few months, who would eat both of their food if he got the chance. So our cat learned to bolt 'n hoard his food when he could. He warn't never a teeny cat after that again. Had to be put on a diet, and even then my friends started calling him "chunk".

So if the tub is ever back again regularly, Mika might start sizing up too, if not in a good way.
I hope not; I mean, we measure out her recommended food ration at the beginning of each day, so she's unlikely to get more than she should, and we generally catch The Tub in the act when he tries to eat her kibble. He's not a fat cat, really, he just looked it compared with her when she was a spindly little kitten. Now she's nearly full-grown, they actually look like they both have healthy body weights. Either that or he's slimmed down a bit on a diet of stolen kitten food...
I feel for poor Mika. There's nothing worse than having another cat trespass on one's territory and eat one's food.

When we caught the neighbourhood glutton sneaking in to eat our cats' food, we set the door to exit-only and relied on faces at the window to know when they wanted to come back in. It took all of a day for the clever, indoor-loving cat to get fed up with the arrangement, and she quickly worked out that she could pull the door outwards and get in unassisted. It took her brother about a week to copy her, despite having an example to follow, while the third cat never managed to work it out although he seemed quite content to spend his time sat in the porch waiting for someone to let him in.

But at least it solved the problem of the food thief.
The Tub sounds remarkably like Buzz Lightyear.

We had a ratty old tom come by. Oh, poor starving kitty, let's feed you on the patio. We will just call you "orange cat", because if you are not named we will not fall for you. Oh, it's rainy/snowy, you can stay inside, orange cat. Oh, you're hiding when we open the doors, instead of running to go outside, how odd.

6 months later, once it's spring, Orange Cat decides to go away. Until the next winter, when he moved back in. Sweet cat, though.
epic, indeed!

But to the victor belong the kitty treats...
M: To Mika belong the kitty treats. Is way of things.
Hmm. Something about the way The Tub expresses himself seems to have something of the USAmerican about it, and not in a particularly good way. ("Good way": see Mark Twain, Barbara Jordan, Stevie Wonder, etc.) Or maybe it's just his size. He's unlikely to actually BE from over here, so I wonder if the poor impressionable lad has been watching a bit too much TV. Too many John Wayne movies or George W. Bush speeches?
Is it wrong that I like The Tub?
The kid says yay! Another Mika episode!
"Mika's happy place is full of crisis!"

*snrk* *snrgle* *ppp*-bwahahahaaaaaa!

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